I am still a child

 
 We heard the sound of gunfire... the drums and the drums were beating... and it started to get commotion.

The children came running... they came, they came...

I was overcome with fear and started trembling... and the sound of gunfire and shooting made me feel like we were entering a war, not a wedding.

All the women were jumping around wanting to see the groom...
I hadn't even seen him yet, but I was scared already.

I heard them say "Al-Hajj"... He must be very old and scary.

We waited, but the groom didn't enter.

My aunt Nidal came with some women... and said...

Hurry up, wrap up the girl, the old man says he doesn't want anything to come out of her... and let's go, people are waiting for us.

Everyone remained silent...

My aunt... No one else has come except the groom. He comes to take his wife, you are the one who got into it..

Aunt Nidal lost it.. I am his wife to Al-Hajji and he is the one who asked to take her, understand?

My aunt was silent and kept groaning and mumbling to herself..

Aunt Nidal pulled me by the hand and took me while I was covered and couldn't see anything..

She put me in the car..
The whole way I cried for my mom and sisters. I didn't get to greet them and kiss them.. Aunt Nidal dragged me quickly..

The whole way I heard her talking and gossiping with a man who might be driving..

She said.. This is the first time I've seen a groom who didn't come to take his bride. Where is this going?

Nidal.. You don't know, my dear, your brother will find her before I marry him off..
And by God, he won't make me upset..

The boy.. Why do you get other people's daughters involved if he won't?

Nidal.. This is not the time now.. And the talk Busy..
The reception is full of men.
He might leave them and come back..

I cried the whole way. I listened but couldn't understand what they were saying or what they meant. I couldn't even see anything from the blanket they had covered my face.. By Shams
My thoughts kept turning to my mom and sisters.
And what would my fate be after this day..

My thoughts took me back and I reminisced..

I'll take you back a little and talk about my life before this day.

My name is Hoda. I was successful from the first to the second middle school grades..

With very good grades.

I was loved by the teachers and the principal.

Because I was smart and consistent at work, and in my life I was absent for a single day. Even if I was sick, I would wake myself up and go to school.

Studying was my first and last ambition.

In addition, I loved to play. That is, after I finished my studies, my sisters and I would play. I deprived myself of childhood games and amusements.

My mother is very old. She helps her father with work.

She bakes for people. She didn't have children until she grew up.

She named me Huda because she says you are God's gift to me after all these years.

And after that, I have two sisters: Enaam and Furqan.

How much she wished she had a son.

This made my father feel so annoyed and resentful towards us.

He searches for any small mistake to cause us misery.

I have little contact with him. Whenever he comes home, the smiles disappear from our faces due to fear and tension.

My mother tries to do everything for us so he doesn't get annoyed and angry at us.

He always used to tell her, "What's wrong with school? Let him stop and help you with work." If they go out and find any job to do, I won't be able to stay home alone.

If I had a son instead of this little girl... he meant him.

I would be relieved now... and he would take the work off me...

His father works... as a farmer.

That means he goes to people's gardens. He arranges them, plows them, and plants them, and they give him the harvest...

He's a grown man, so the work is tiring... but he tries to get out.

But day after day, his work decreased and people stopped sending him money because he got tired and old.

He started borrowing from us and from us until his debts increased...

He started coming to my mother, hitting her, and taking out his trouble on her...

I was afraid that a day would come... and he would stop me from being honest and give me a job...

And what I was afraid of happened...

One day he came and said, Umm Huda, listen to me.
I heard that Hajji's family wanted someone to help them with the housework. I told them I had my daughter Nadra to help with the housework. They said send her to help Hajji's wife with the work.


Umm Huda.. Oh my God. Hajji Reda's house.

Abu Huda. The condolences of Hajji Reda's house. What's wrong with you? You've loosened your throat.

Umm Huda.. No, but how can you trust your young daughter to work for them while they have many boys at home?

Abu Huda.. Yes, they'll take her. And you forgot about Hajji's mother and his wife there. She finishes her work and leaves..

Don't make excuses that I don't have money and I'm needed.. And if you insist, I'll drop her from school. I don't want extra expenses.

Umm Huda.. Don't get angry, here I am, taking her by the hand and bringing her back to be afraid.. Written by Shams

My mother, in order for me to continue studying.. used to take me every morning to school.. Then she would go to Hajji's house to clean and cook so that my father wouldn't talk..
And at noon she would come back to take me from school to home so that my father wouldn't notice. He thought I was going to clean..
And then I would go to school..
I don't know how he thinks.. And our school day is in the morning, but maybe I got the impression..

And on holidays, I would go with her to Hajji's house, but I didn't work. I took my books and read next to her in the kitchen.
And when she finished her work, we would go back..
And so the days went by. But the biggest struggle was for my mother, Khatia, between our house and Hajji's house. She stays up from dawn baking for people..
She's grown and hurt a lot..
And we take care of all the housework for her as soon as we get home from school..

And I was staring. My thoughts were interrupted by my aunt Nidal's voice, "Come on, get up, we've arrived."

She got me out of the car and the labor and shooting started..
I got up and fell from the slump..
They quickly took me into the house..




 They let me into the house.. and I didn't know any of them..
A tear in the corner of my eye..
I felt alone and in a strange world..
Fear, tension and sadness occupied my mind and heart..

I wished my mother was next to me.. I don't know why she didn't come with me. I need her and want her amidst these eyes watching me..

The women were staring at me and whispering..
I was shivering and my limbs felt icy..

Hajja Umm Al-Hajji Rida.. felt it..

Hajja.. Mother, bring the heater next to the girl. It's cold. You can't see her shivering..

They brought the heater and put it next to me. I wanted to hug her from the cold..

After a while, a woman came and said, "Get up..."
And she turned to Umm Rida. Yes, what's wrong with her now..
Where did you get it? I want my daughter to die..
She told me, “Come on, mom, come and let me go up to your room.”





The truth.. I swear I made the truth and no one took my words. The girl said, “It is a child, not marriage money.”
But what about the struggle if she puts something on her mind to do..





His uncle Nidal came and just answered. I didn't notice what she said because my mind was confused and my whole thought was about my mother and my sisters..





This time she took me into the room. I saw her big..
It has luxurious furniture. I stayed on top of her..








My aunt told her I had the whole room alone.





I laughed. I am Hajji's sister. If you want, let me know. Or the mother of Ayat Bakifaj.
This room is yours alone, and sometimes someone comes near you.

- But I'm afraid to be alone. It's not right that my sisters will go crazy next to me.
- No, it's not right. You grew up and got married, and this is your place now. Relax and come back soon.

It's true that the room is nice and has amazing furniture, but I don't like it.

My sisters and I used to cuddle and sleep together in the hall.

Sometimes we chatted and joked.

Now I'm sitting alone, and Yamen and I talk and play. I don't know anyone here.

By the writer Shams

I felt sleepy. There was a mattress left in the hall. I went and left a pillow and slept.

But I was cold and there was no blanket, how could I cover myself?

I wrapped myself in my arms and fell asleep. I didn't feel anything until I heard a voice shaking me..
I looked at a girl my age.

She said my mom told me to prepare herself, the talk will escalate..

Huda.. I mean what should I do?

I don't know, but my mom said that..
And you're young, why did you get married?

I was silent, not knowing what to answer her.. And I don't even know why they married me off..

I remembered my mom crying and talking to my dad..

So she really wants to marry her off to a man twice her age who is also married.

Abu Huda.. Didn't you say that the Hajji's wife proposed to the Hajji herself..

Umm Huda.. Yes, and I told her that the girl is young and still studying, and I can't marry her off..

Abu Huda.. You talk and decide as you please, she doesn't have a father to come and tell him.

Umm Huda.. I never imagined that you would cheapen your daughter and give her to a man so old. And she is still a child..

Abu Huda.. A child, what kind of girl is this? Our mothers get pregnant and give birth.
And you tell me a child. And your daughter will bring good things with her if she marries Hajji.
You know what Hajji means, it means a treasure. Especially if she gives birth to a son. We want to get rid of this thinking..

Umm Huda.. Day by day I discover that you are greedy and materialistic. Your greed has reached the point where you sell your daughters..

My father couldn't stand my mother's beating and told her, "If you don't contact Hajji's wife and give her permission, I will divorce you and throw you out of the house."

In either case, I married her..

I came and hugged my mother while she was crying. Mom, do whatever your father wants. Don't throw me out, and we'll be left alone. Who cares? My dear, agree. I'm begging her to agree, and I don't know if I'll leave her whether she agrees or not. I don't know if I'll agree to being sold and separated from my mother and sisters, who are the most precious things to me.

*I came back from my class after hearing the cheers and the fighting. Umm Ayat came, covered my face, straightened me up, and left.

Then a man entered, wearing the same clothes as his neighbors, Uncle Alwan.
A dishdasha and an agal.

But this one was taller and more handsome than Uncle Alwan's.

He came in and approached me. He lifted the cover and stared at me.

I was trembling with fear, and tears welled up in my eyes.

He turned his face and got angry, and I closed my eyes.
I thought he was hitting me..

He turned his face and said, "Your day is ruined, Nidal, for doing this."

He turned back.. "How old are you?"



I kept counting.

Uncle told him, in a month and a week I'll turn 13 and turn 14.

He laughed mockingly..

And opened the door and shouted, "Nidal, come up quickly."

Nidal's aunt came.. Written by me, Shams

He got angry at her.. "You're telling the truth. What is this little girl you brought?"

Nidal.. What does she look like? She's taller than me..

Reza.. I have nothing to do with height. Look at her face and she's young. Why did you bring me a 13-year-old girl?

Isn't it enough that you married me off as you please?

He rubbed his face and my mother told me, "The girl is young." I didn't believe her or expect her to bring me a girl at this age.

Nedal.. "What do you want, Reza? I'll bring you one so you can blow your mind and heart."

You want children. This is the one who will give you children. And if you can't come to an understanding with her, you will give us a few children and then divorce her, and each one will go their own way.

Rida.. May God give you patience, my dear. I was satisfied with you, I love you, and I am satisfied with my fate, which God did not grant me children.

You are the one who told me to marry you..

And I agreed because of you..

Nidal.. She told you to get married behind my aunt's back. You ruined us, Rida is old and doesn't have children. How long will that remain?

Rida.. I will leave, I can't get close to her.. And I feel like she is my daughter, not my wife..

Nidal.. I swear she won't. What will people say about us? And then. You took her to have fun with her.

If you wanted to give you children..

Nothing, and you couldn't. Turn off the light and imagine it was me. And she laughs slyly.

May God give you patience, my dear.. My soul, bring me dinner, you will find that the girl died of hunger.. Written by me, Shams






………………………………..
*They were talking and I was just staring. I didn't understand a thing of their argument..
But when the girl said she was hungry, I really felt hungry.
I wanted to tell him, "Yes, uncle, I am hungry," but I was shy and afraid that Aunt Nidal would not talk about it..

They brought the dinner tray.. Rice with a lot of meat and marjoram, and they left out some fruits.
I remembered my sisters, the ones who were upset about the meat and fruits.
How can I eat and they not?

My uncle Reda said.. I will go take my time and have dinner..

I got up and ate rice and marjoram, and took some meat, wrapped it in bread and ate it.
What a nice wrap. I did another wrap and mentioned my mom and sisters.
I took apples and bananas.
I just saw them and didn't eat them.
There are no fruits like that in Iraq.
I started looking for a hanger to hold the fruits.

I wrapped them well and put them between my clothes in the counter.
I adjusted the price, saying I was afraid they would say I ate a lot.
My eyes fell on the banana, craving it. I wanted to know what it would taste like.
I tasted it so good I couldn't stand it, so I ate it all.

I started to change my dishdasha because the dress was bothering me.
I wanted to take it off, but I couldn't, and the pins hurt so much that they came undone. I said, "Okay, my mom will sew them later."
I changed and left a hijab on my head.
I picked up the tray and wanted to go out.

I heard a man's voice and a commotion. I was embarrassed to go out.

Then Aunt Nidal saw me and said, "You shouldn't go out."

When Hajji finishes his work, you understand? And you don't sleep.

I was surprised and didn't know what she meant.

She took the tray from me. She looked at the fruits and said, "Your left, didn't you see? You didn't eat them all."

I was silent and embarrassed.

She said, "The Hajji is in the boy's room. He'll come to pray and then come. Go and sit down." And why did you take off your suit? Only he gets upset.

- "Auntie, it's not right. Why would you take it off?"

- "Oof, your mother didn't teach you. Go in and tell Hajji to do it, not leave him alone."

I shook my head and went in.

I sat on the bench. I looked and didn't know what to do..
I missed my sisters and my mom..
My mom started crying after me.. Even on the day of the engagement, they threw her a fit and broke my heart, she didn't want me to leave her..

But since our engagement, I didn't see anything, just a man making a deal behind the door and saying, "Say yes, you are my representative."
I laughed that day, he repeated it to me five times and I told him, "What did you forget?" He passed out, hahaha.



I came to laugh. The old man came in.

He said, "Have you had dinner?" I said, "Praise be to God."

Did you pray?

No, uncle, I don't pray.

Why are you so stubborn and it's your duty to pray?

No, I don't have the right to pray.

He said, "No, dad."

"Oof, I seek God's forgiveness. Of course, a girl the age of my sister's daughters, what does that mean?"

"Look, Huda. You have to pray from the moment you tell me. And if you don't know, I'll teach you.

And turn around every time I come in. I want to see you praying, and on time, don't postpone it."

"Yes, uncle, it's done."

"Don't say 'uncle.' Tell me, 'I've become your husband now. You shouldn't call me 'uncle.'"

I nodded.

"Written by Shams."

"He said, 'If you want to sleep, sleep.'"

But didn't my aunt Nidal say you shouldn't sleep if you go out when the conversation is over? Come on..

- By God, Nidal has a lot of talk.. Now, how do I get close to her?

He said to me.. You know what it is? One of your teachers..

Huda.. Haaa, I don't know..

Sell Huda, I don't want you to be afraid of me. But every girl who gets married must do what we did until you grow up and become a mother..
And your family will be proud of you..
And if you refuse, people will keep talking about you and your family..
And I'll do whatever I want with you and I won't hurt you..

But we have to do it and be done with. People are waiting for us..

I shook my head, not knowing anything or what he meant..

He turned off the light. Then he turned on a small red light.

And I saw him take off his dishdasha. I felt embarrassed and closed my eyes.

He came and sat next to me on the bed.
He started touching my body and I was scared, and my eyes welled with tears.
But I was afraid to speak, because I remembered his words when he said, "If you don't accept it, people will talk about you and your family."
And I was afraid my father would hit me if they talked about him.

He took off my dishdasha and wanted to take it off, and I was scared and ran with it out of fear.
But I couldn't speak. He brought his ring close to my ear and said, "Don't be afraid, do what you want so that it doesn't hurt."

I felt my body shaking from his touch and movements, and I felt like I was in another world.
I resisted and pushed, but he was stronger than me and was above me, and I cried out of fear.
I started to feel a severe pain. But I feel my body numb and I can't move..

But my tears are falling.. And I felt something hurt me or hurt me really much I started screaming.

Quickly he put his hand on my throat.. And I was crying from the pain and he didn't notice and kept moving away from me. I felt my soul gone and I couldn't breathe and my eyes blurred and I was ruined.

I opened my eyes a little and saw Hajji with a glass of water in his hand and he was washing my face.

Huda, listen to me, sit down..

I hear him but I can't speak.

He is asking for forgiveness and saying.. Your day is ruined, Nidal, for what you did, you got me into trouble.

He said what I heard and people fear me, you got me into this mess.

I opened my eyes.

He said. How did you become?

I nodded at him. It means good. He kissed me on the head and said, "Mubarak Hudawi."
He covered me and stood up.

He said, "If you want to wear something, don't let someone step on you."

I wanted to get up, but my legs couldn't support me, they were shaking.

I looked at the clothes covered in blood. I got scared and started crying and screaming.

I covered myself.

And I remembered my mother who used to say, "Mother, don't let a man come near you or touch you. Preserve your honor."

A girl is like glass. If she gets hurt or broken, she can't get back up.

I was scared and started crying and sobbing.

Umm Ayat came in, then another one with her and Aunt Nidal.

When I saw them, I quickly covered myself with the blanket and started crying.